What Is "Languages"?

Languages is very important. Especially, if, like me and hundreds of others, you need to make yourself understood to another human being (or a small horse).

Languages was invented in 1833 by Sir Geoffrey Languages, the then vicar of Dibley. The idea came to him after a particularly frustrating exchange with his wife, the honourable Lady Ga Ga, of the Cheltenham Ga Ga's. Up until then, domestic disagreements were conducted entirely through a complex arrangement of gears and pulleys attached to the minds of either and/or both parties.

In his seminal 1932 essay on "The Birth Of Languages", Prof. Shane Ritchie, head of Bristol University's Department of American-style Singing, wrote:

"Languages is arguably one of the most important developments of the last century. Without langauges, not only could I not convey to you how important languages is, but you would most certainly not be able to read it even if I could. Indeed, I would not be able to tell you that you would not be able to read it, since, without langauges, such protestations would fall on deaf ears (even though you are reading this with your eyes, as such.)"

Professor Ritchie is quite right. Languages is a necessary ingredient for both speaking and writing, as well as hearing and reading.

But what is "languages"? Being an inquisitive soul (I have conducted at least a dozen inquisitions this very Michaelmas, and that's no exaggeration), I endeavoured to discover the secrets of languages, using a combination of the Internet, my local library - from which I am thankfully no longer barred - and the gift of languages itself (since both library books and the Internet are written using languages of all shapes, sizes and hues.)

Here are just a few facts about languages I was able to glean:

• "Languages" is derived from the Latin word "Lingua", which, literally translated, means "languages"
• There are more than twelve languages in common use today, including English, French, Welsh and Klingon
• Languages was used, albeit sparingly, in all four Terminator movies, and is now a common feature in many Hollywood productions
• The world's tallest languages is Flemish, towering a truly eye-gouging 1.2 million ft above sea level, and is the only languages visible from Kent
• No two languages is alike. Except for German.
• In a panicked response to a wave of languages-related crime, languages was made illegal in the United States between 1919 and 1933. This prompted many bar and club owners to open illegal venues where languages could be freely used, commonly referred to as "speakeasies"
• Linguaphobia, or a "fear of languages", is a rare psychological condition suffered by a small group of unfortunate people. The patron of the Royal Society for Linguaphobes is author and fellow sufferer, Dan Brown, whosed best-selling books famously require no understanding of languages at all.