If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s having red hot needles inserted under my fingernails. It’s never actually happened. I was just taking an educated guess. And that’s what separates us from the beasts: that and the electrified fence I’ve had installed around the perimeter of the camp. You can’t be too careful these days. Okay, actually you can be too careful. Take my Uncle Charlie, for example. He used to insist on eating boiled eggs wearing a space suit. Come to think of it, it was Auntie Jill who insisted on the space suit. She’d make him wear it in bed after he’d had a curry, too.
Adolf Hitler. Now he was an odd sort of chap, wasn’t he? Some people collect stamps. Other people make model railways. Adolf Hitler used to stuff his ears full of live moths and recite poetry to them. It didn’t catch on, of course. The moths would get stuck in his copious earwax and Herman Goering and Albert Speer would waste hours digging them out with tiny little silver jewel-encrusted trowels - a gift from Queen Latifa to commemorate the anniversary of
Queen Latifa is renowned for her generosity. In 1833 she donated the left hemisphere of her mind to Unicef, which they used to finance a series of ill-advised sitcom pilots written by Sir Ben Elton. Barely a century later she gave the King of Luxemburg a dozen hippopotamuseses, which he later sold at auction to pay off debts incurred when he ill-advisably wagered his entire fortune on a race between a hare and a tortoise. (To be fair, nobody saw that one coming.)
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