I’m on a health kick after gaining almost twelve hectares over the Xmas (that’s short for “Christmas”) period. My wife says it’s because I ate too much hair, but personally I think it’s all that luxury carpeting I ate on Boxing Day. Anyway, whatever the cause of my dramatic gain, I am now fully committed to a strict regime of diet and exercise.
After careful research, and on the advice of my local mortgage specialist, I am adopting the Perkins Diet. It’s a simple set of rules telling you what you can eat, when you can eat it, with whom and wearing what sort of hats. I’m complementing the diet with a program of rigorous exercises designed by the Disney Corporation.
Here’s a typical day:
Breakfast: Rack of lamb, 200 litres of Umbongo & a boiled egg, to be taken in the
Lunch: Chapters 1-12 of Children of Dune, accompanied with a white wine vinaigrette, to be eaten in Paula Abdul’s basement in the presence of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, wearing a balaclava
Dinner: 128 Mb RAM, served medium-rare, followed by a nice, juicy lemon, to be consumed within 30 metres of the Post Office Tower under the supervision of Joel Schumacher, wearing a fez
Exercise: (To be performed twice daily equidistant between meals)
20x leg spurts
15x face crunches
10x hair thrusts
Followed by 15 minutes of rigorous staring
It’s only been two days, so nothing to report as yet.
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