My New Blog

Following the advice of my local ombudsman, I am starting what technology-literate folk call a “blog”. According to the Oxford Dictionary of Modern Slang, a “blog” is ‘an Internet website containing an eclectic and frequently updated assortment of items of interest to its author’. This excited me greatly; partly because I am frequently eclectic, but also because in my mind I have been storing an assortment of items of interest to me. It makes perfect sense to store them on some kind of back-up medium just in case, as happened last Wednesday, I forget who I am and what I’m like.

I read in a medical journal that doctors in Ohio were able to save a man’s mind by forcing him to read his own “blog”. He had been found wandering through the countryside, and his mind was just an empty shell (except for the bits he would have undoubtedly needed to know in order to wander aimlessly. Oh, and breathe. And see things with his eyes. In fact, come to think of it, I suspect his mind wasn’t empty at all. This story may turn out to be apocryphal; I should warn you dear reader.)

Anyway, they restored his memory using his “blog”, and he was able to find out all sorts of things about himself. Like the fact that he has a “blog”, for example. So I thought to myself, “That’s not such a bad idea, Arnold”. And you know what; it wasn’t.

So here I am writing the first ever post on my new “blog”, and it’s all about “blogging”. I should coco!

As always, I endeavoured to look into the history of the “blog” and immediately made plans to visit my local “library”. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, a “library” is ‘a building or room containing a collection of books and periodicals for use by the public or the members of an institution.’ This excited me greatly, because I am able to use books, and periodically I have been in institutions. Indeed, by an extraordinary coincidence I was once allowed to work in a library as a reward for my good behaviour. The assignment was short-lived, however. Apparently, urinating in the fiction section is considered to be something of a social faux pas in some circles.

Anyway, back to my “blog” research; here are just some of the fascinating facts I was able to glean about “blogging”:

• The “blog” was invented in 1833 by Sir Cat Deeley, who won the idea in a game of cards
• There are more than twelve “blogs” now in existence, with new “blogs” opening every year
• The world’s largest “blog” is over one hundred feet long and weighs approximately 32 metric tonnes.
• The word “blog” is derived from the Latin “blogus”, meaning ‘to labour under the delusion that people care what you think’. In his epic poem ‘Blogus Ex Terra Mater’, Apuleius writes:
  

‘Just got back from Poetcon 55BC. The session on open source imagery was most enjoyable. Thanks to Horace, Cattalus, and Brad for their excellent presentation. I will definitely be going to Poetcon 54BC.’