Three Kinds of Cheese

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s waiting in for deliveries. Last week I wasted an entire day waiting for a new combined fridge-freezer. How was I supposed to know you had to place an order first? There certainly wasn’t anything about that on the website – at least, not on Emma Bunton’s official web site, anyway.

These so-called “delivery men” couldn’t deliver their way out of a paper bag, in my opinion. Half the time they turn up late. If they turn up at all, that is. I think there must be a secret delivery man place they all go to, and they take all the items they’re supposed to be delivering and make a huge bonfire out of them, which they then cavort around naked to the music of “Mr Ozzy Osbourne and his Heavy Metal Players”.

That’s right, these delivery drivers are Satanists. They are the most Satanistic people around. Satanistically, they are way ahead of the curve, I can tell you. When it comes to Satanising, they’ve got it down pat.

Having said that, some delivery men are the salt of the Earth. That’s not to say that they’re actually made of salt, which would, for many reasons, be impractical. For starters, if you were made of salt, you would dissolve in the bath. Sex would be very difficult, as close contact with a non-salt-based person would likely result in their being completely dehydrated, ending up looking like a mummified corpse (but without the bandages). It is for this reason alone that I believe Ronald Reagan was actually made of salt. It would explain a lot of other things, too.

Other salt-based celebrities include George Michael, Selina Scott and that bloke who was in that thing. To give them their credit, they hide it well, and you can’t really tell until it rains, and then you get a distinct smell of brine. Most cats are also made of salt, which is why they hate water. Of course, a few cats are made of soap, but on the whole they are salt-based. It is one of the best kept secrets that “salt mines” are actually underground cat farms. Being a nation of cat lovers, if word ever got out that people have been sprinkling flaked kitty on their fish and chips, there would probably be riots in the streets – which is the best place for them, in my experience.