I had that Grant Mitchell (AKA Phil from Eastenders) round my house last night. He doesn’t half go on! He’s beekeeping mad, he is. Buzz buzz buzz. That’s all he ever talks about. Frankly I’m sick of hearing it. So last night I confronted him. I said “Grant Mitchell (AKA Phil from Eastenders), you are beekeeping mad. And while I’m happy that you’ve found meaning and purpose in your life, frankly I’m sick and tired of hearing about your latest beekeeping antics day in and day out.”
That certainly stopped him in his tracks. Why he insists on driving his tank in my living room is anybody’s (and/or everybody’s) guess, but at that specific moment his tracks had well and truly stopped dead, and in a moment of weakness I felt suddenly very sorry for him and gave him my
The gesture seemed to move him visibly. More specifically it moved him exactly 32cm to the east. I’d warned him about that before, and my temporary bonhomie was shattered by a rush of uncontrollable anger at his blatant display of eastwardness, which I directed towards him in his general direction (which was by now precisely 32cm east of where it had been previously.)
I leapt onto his tank and pulled him physically from the driver’s seat using the gift of physics. By this time, the rest of the Eastenders crowd had arrived and, seeing the events unfolding, proceeded to lay into me and give me a good kicking. Adam Woodyatt (AKA Barbara Windsor) was the worst. Not many people know this, but since 1989 Woodyatt has exclusively worn snow shoes both on set and off set (and in between sets, which can happen). Have you ever been kicked in the danglies by an actor’s snow shoe? No, neither had I until then. It bloody hurts, I can tell you.
Anyway, the evening drew on and the National Soap Award-winning kickings continued. As the blood poured down my mashed features, I heard Leticia Dean, who plays hard man Jim Branning in the show, speaking to cast members of
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